I indulged in some transitory pleasure the other day. It was a great way to relieve some built up stress... I simply turned my back on the rules set down by those who care about me and just enjoyed the moment.
...and I may pay for the indiscretion, both in the short term and in the long term; but I was living for the moment and living for the desire. ...and I denied that it would hurt anyone but me.
Damn, but it felt good though, to just enjoy the delights of the flesh. To savor the moment and the feelings...
I didn't really want to slip even that first time, so long ago. I knew there were rules. Rules put in place to protect me both now and later.
...but the memory was just too sweet. ...and the thought of those feelings coursing though my body was just too much. ...and I slipped again.
I know better. Good grief, I even teach this stuff. ...and with all the warnings I've heard and all the warnings I've given, it still came down to that temptation of the flesh. Think how it would be. Think how it would feel. They'll never know; I'll never mention it. ...and I'll hold the secret until I die.
Yes. I'll know. ...and it will eat at me. ...or I'll become calloused and uncaring. ...and perhaps a little distant. ...and a little less communicative in some areas.
...and no one will know. After all, I don't have to tell anyone anything. I can stand on my own and deal with it if I need to. ...and it's not like it's something I'll make a habit of. ...unless that perfect opportunity opens up once again. After all, timing is everything.
No, I'll just go on about my life as though nothing really happened. I mean, really nothing really did happen. Not really. I mean, I had a really good time and all that; but that's not really where I am on a day to day basis. No. ...not at all.
Thing is though, it seems like there's a suspicion. Maybe I didn't clean up just right. ...or maybe I left some telltale something somewhere. 'Cause I get the occasional look. ...and some questions seem so pointed. ...and I'm hearing, "Don't be so defensive" more and more. ...or so it seems.
Man, if that's the way it's going to be, I don't know that I want to be here anymore. I can find better elsewhere. I mean, look at the other day! That was pretty good. ...and I can go down that road again. ...as a matter of fact, I think I will. I just need to see what's available...
It's just so easy to give in to temptation. It seems like it's a full time job to keep the defenses up. ...and it seems like it's just pounding on me all the time. At work, at the stores, on TV, in the paper... It's just to much to deal with. How can you not give in? I mean, it's just too much to deal with... That other path is right there; I can see it every single day. All I have to do is just relax and take a walk over that way and life will feel really, really good. ...at least for the moment. ...and the next. ...and the next. ...and the next.
Ah, and there's the rub: those who follow that path tend to stay on that path. ...and the piper will be paid. ...either at the end of the story, or perhaps at the end of this chapter.Whoa... That end of the story stuff might be okay, 'cause who knows who's right and who's wrong. ...and who cares anyway. ...anymore.
But what about at the end of this chapter. That doesn't sound so good. That sounds like some sort of having to live out the consequences here and now. Whoa. ...and double "whoa". That's not good at all; I don't want to deal with this stuff now. Not up front and now. That's not good at all.
So what to do?
Maybe it would have been better to have left that bag of Orville's Gourmet Popcorn Sensation Chocolate Toffee Crunch on the shelf at Target the other day...
That's what I was thinking anyway... Better to have stood firm in my commitment and not have allowed a chink in the armor.