The Better Half
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(Last update: 0900 6/28/2003)
A little local humor for you this morning... I received this one at the office last week, targeted to the town I work in; but I suspect it translates well to most locales:
Your know you're in Fresno when....
Explanations available as requested...
1. You have to explain to company from out of town what animal a "Tri-tip" comes from and that it's indigenous to the area.
2. You buy salsa by the gallon.
3. Drivers think a red traffic light is just a suggestion.
4. All of your out-of-town friends start to visit after October, but clear out before the end of April.
5. Most of the restaurants in town have the first name "El" or "Los".
6. You think 6 tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard.
7. You notice you car overheating before you drive it.
8. You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
9. You see more irrigation water on the street than in the river.
10. You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.
11. You can say 115 degrees without fainting.
12. Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way.
13. People break out coats when the temperature drops below 70.
14. You discover, in July, it only takes two fingers to drive your car.
15. You think someone driving wearing oven mitts is clever.
16. The pool can be warmer than you are.
17. You can make sun tea instantly.
18. You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace.
19. People with black cars or upholstery are assumed to be from out-of-town.
20. Hot air balloons can't go up because the air outside is hotter than the air inside.
21. You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.
22. The water from the cold water tap is the same temperature as the hot one.
23. It's noon in July, the kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is moving in the streets.
24. You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
25. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
26. You've lived here all your life and still don't know your way around Downtown.
27. You think that Shaw is the dividing line between the good and bad part of town.
28. Anywhere "and 99" is too far away.
29. You think you're better than people from Clovis.
30. Someone mentions the Fair and your thoughts immediately turn to Cinnamon Rolls.
31. You drive just as fast on a sunny day in June as a foggy day in December.
32. You have to explain to someone about "G Street".
33. You ARE better than people from Clovis.
34. The whole town shuts down at 11:00.
35. You've been to countless Fresno State Games, but didn't know that the city had a football team.
36. You complain about how boring Fresno is, but still make fun of people from Sanger, Selma, Reedley, etc.
37. You think $400 a month rent is way too high.
38. You hadn't been to Manchester Center in 10 years until the movie theater opened.
39. You never knew how you managed before River Park.
40. You've ever said the phrase, "At least it's a dry heat".
41. Someone from out of town talks about how foggy it is and you tell them, "Just wait".
42. In the winter, you don't even have to look at your car, you automatically take a pitcher of water out or turn on the hose.
43. You know not to take Shaw at 8, 12, or 5.
44. You swear there was an orchard there last week, where now there are houses.
Heh. Explanations, as requested (in no particular order):
The water in the wintertime? When/if the fog clears, you'll walk out to find sheet ice on the windshield. You have to either cover it the night before, warm up the car for a time, or just get used to taking a pitcher of water out with you (the hose is usually frozen).
The fog. Yeah. Okay, here's a decent example.
Valley Fever is a debilitating disease caused by spores found in the local soil. If you grew up here,it's not an issue; if you're an adult, stay out of the mountains north of Coalinga...
Yeah, it does get warm when the sun's out <g>. Here's a pic of the temperature gauge on the smoker one morning around 1000:
The Clovis thing? Well, I live in Clovis. ...at least our mayor isn't named "Bubba" (Alan Autry is Fresno's Mayor).
River Park? Shelley's home away from home. Very trendy...
"But it's a dry heat..."
Here's how it's gone lately: we were trying to tack just a few more minutes of sleep on the other morning, so we were almost appreciative of the kidlet who quietly closed the door to our room so the noise wouldn't wake us. ...and quietly opened the door a few minutes later to feed the one cat left behind from his earlier trip. ...and quietly tried to talk said cat into joining him for breakfast. ...and ended up quietly bringing the cat her breakfast in our room. Sometimes...
So I showered and wondered out to make my morning latte. ...only to find the youngest standing on a bar stool in the middle of the living room. ...holding a broom at full extension over his head. ...while his brother gave directions about how to move it about to get something off the ceiling.
Ummm.. Oh, yeah, a post. Heh. Hmmm... How about the weather? Yeah, 106F when I got home today; hotter Friday they're sayin'. That means blading as close to sunset as possible again to miss the heat and the air quality issues...
Dinking around putting Win95, 98 and NT on a P-166 laptop... Just 'cause...
Later; it's already late enough...
96F outside when I finished blading at 2030 this evening; it's down to 86 now as I post. The air quality isn't too bad, but I'm sure hoping the winds tonight bring a new air mass in and cool the place off a bit...
That's all; just a short report tonight...
...but you could drop by Shelley's place!
...and 75F when I came back from blading this morning at 0730. Oh, yeah, Summer has arrived in the Central Valley...
...and I'll get back to the blog in a bit. Things weren't resonating there last night, so I started outlining another project instead.
Now to see what today brings...
Through some fluke of the Fates, both boys were at parties at the same time time Saturday. ...and that translated to out dinner with Shelley. Bliss...
Now to deal with the new disposal/fountain combo... ...as life returns to its usual course.
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"Any sufficiently advanced technology is
indistinguishable from magic."
Arthur C. Clarke, "Technology and the Future"
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